Maybe someone will hear me

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23 days ago

1.1: Psychedelics

My experiance with psychedelics

My experiance with psychedelics started after a brief stint in a psychiatric ward, I’d been interested in psychedelics but my drug use in highschool was weed and alcohol only, I did poppers a few times with my at the time girlfriend but past that nothing but a heavy interest in psychedelics - I could have taken them in highschool since I bought my weed off silk road so access wasn’t an issue but the fear of it turning me mentally ill was too much - previous to the mental hospital I was a regular drug user, mostly cocaine and painkillers, some benzodiazepine use but never psychedelics however after my release I didn’t worry much about consequences, I was in a very erratic state and figured it didn’t matter if it went wrong, I ordered some LSD, 100ug tabs, they arrived I tested them and confirmed they weren’t nbome, a dangerous imitation commonly sold as LSD I wish I could tell you I remember my first time on acid but truthfully I can’t, over the next year and a half I took acid about another 40-50 times (excluding microdoses) with doses ranging from 100ug to 600ug, most common was 200ug, since tolerence resets once every 7 days you can even take it every week, if you’re willing to waste some you can take a dose on friday, then triple it for saturday night. After acid stopped being fun I started taking mushrooms, starting with low doses, but that still felt boring, so after only a couple handfuls of trips I moved on again, this time to synthetic mescaline, then eventually onto DMT, I’m going to cover each

The first time I experianced death was on acid, around 300ug, I was lying on my bed, looking at the ceiling I shut my eyes and started to get pretty visuals, triangles shifting into more triangles each with different colors, it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw and I have no idea why - I planned to study geometry but like most plans made on drugs they don’t materialize into anything - after a while you forget your eyes are closed, As I got closer to the peak I watched the triangles transform into more intricate shapes until I was looking at myself, laying on my bed but from a third person perspective, like a ghost, I could still feel my body - time began to go faster and faster until the house around me decayed, leaving me on a dirt pile on the ground, I eventually felt the grass grow around me then I felt water running underneath me, a river formed and I lay in it being able to feel all of it, then the panic starts because I notice color running off my body, like a rainbow, I realize I’m dissolving into nothingness, if it continues soon I won’t be so I began fighting it, I could feel an overwhelming amount of panic because I can feel myself disolving away and no matter how much I fight it it continues I thought about my parents, if they even still existed, if they would even know I’ve died - then a moment of clarity, I stop fighting, I let myself dissolve into nothingness if I can’t stop it why not embrace it see where it leads and where it lead was to me feeling a sense of “oneness” I’d been confronted with my own mortality, I’d accepted the inevitability of death and experianced it, then there was the oneness an emotional state that is incredibly difficult to attain without drugs, I’d had an experiance that I couldn’t even explain to myself, as I’d later find out with a later mixture of painkillers and alcohol dying isn’t nearly as beautiful and romatic, in reality you lose conciousness, then if you’re lucky you wake up covered in your own vomit and blood, too weak and tired to move so you just lay there waiting to recover or die, not even able to ring an ambulance though obviously it didn’t prove fatal I just spent a few days recovering

The next time I “died” on acid was 500ug, once again the third person perspective, though this trip contained another interesting thing which I’ll put chronologically I was sat at my desk eating a sandwhich I’d made, then I walked downstairs to make the sandwhich I’d just eaten, I made the sandwhich, then I was walking downstairs with the eaten sandwhich - the sequence of events couldn’t have happened in that order, it’s a common thing your brain gets all fucked with ordering events similar to deja vu, but as soon as it happened I went on VoIP with my friends to try and explain it, after a few minutes of weird rambling I left and got ready for thing to start ramping up, I’m looking around my room at everything, listening to the birds, looking at the trees behind my house then I set my sights on my floorboards, I stare at them real close, then I forget I’m staring at my floorboards becaue they’ve transformed, now I’m looking at a desert from the sky and I see myself wandering that desert, starving and as seems to be a reccurent theme I can feel it all, myself getting hungrier, starving until eventually I feel my legs get weaker and I collapse, I feel the sun beating down on me, complete exhaustion, then I snap back and realise I’d spent 40 minutes staring at my floorboards - that ones always fun to tell

I also had a lot of ‘bad trips’ on acid, but unforutnately most contain life events that could lead to me being dox’d so I can’t include them

One I can include though is spending 40 minutes puking just before the peak of a 300ug trip then spending the rest unable to eat and questioning all the choices I’ve made regarding drugs, I took the dose in liquid form on a little strawberry swirl sweet, 3 drops, 300ug went down no problem put some music on, turned the lights off and waited, a little while later a voice begins to build, calling me a junkie, telling me I’m not in control of myself, telling me I’m no better than [someone] telling me I’ll end up just like them, it sets in, My hearts beating out of my chest because it could be 8 hours of this, I feel a panic attack coming along, I run to the bathroom and begin puking, I consider calling an ambulance, it’s going to be like this forever, I’m going to die, I’m going to puke for the rest of my life, then I see on my arm “You’re on drugs, everything is temporary 22:00” the rough time the trip ends, I’ve always thought it’s weird how people right start time rather than the end time, I sit next to the toilet for about another 20 minutes, staring into the mixture of vomit and blood in the bowl comtemplating my drug use, I was an addicted, I was addicted to not being sober, I thought about my weed use in my late teens early 20s, smoking from dawn till dusk, vaping weed so I could smoke in public, the weeks I spent drinking small amounts of alcohol throughout the day, waking up in the night, having a swig of whiskey just to go back to sleep, I thought about my drug use for what felt like forever

Then a few weeks later I bought some LSD off a different vendor, I tested it and it turned out to be nbome, I took two tabs, nothing interesting happened.

Another bad trip that I’m confident I could talk about without any risk is taking 1g of shrooms and 200ug of acid before going clubbing with friends, I don’t really like recounting this one but it’s needed so I’ll keep it short and sweet, I was sat at a table with a friend and I was staring off into space, looking right at the bar and since this was in my peak drug days she straight away asked what’ve you taken, I told her, she then asked what I’m staring at I said I think that’s my uncle at the bar, she looked over and said we could go say hi or hide from him since I’m on drugs, I told her my uncle died a couple of days prior and was an alcoholic; I stared for a few more seconds then looked at her and all I saw on her face was genuine concern, she asked if I was ok, I said yeah then went to the bathroom to take some morphine, that night I ended huntched over in the street vomitting my guts out, with her considering taking me to hospital

To quickly summerize the last two mescaline (synthetic and DMT)

Mescaline was fine, it reminded me more of LSD than shrooms, perhaps because going in I knew I was taking a synthetic substance so it made my mind associate it with LSD, with DMT I’ve taken it twice, both times I re-lived horrible memories, it isn’t for me, with one trip I didn’t speak to anyone for about a week and a half, I barely slept and when I did it wasn’t good sleep

past those experiances everything else is less exciting, stuff like music sounds incredible, masturbation feels like a transcendent experiance, you can shut your eyes, beat off and it’s indescribable, being down the local drinking and doing shots whilst struggling to comprehend anything, talking to friends trying not to make it obvious you’re staring at them because they look like a literal cartoon, talking to girls and somehow thinking they don’t know you’re on drugs, having bad experiances that you end up laughing about once they’re over, having experiances you can’t even comprehend for months internally

What value I think they have

I’ve heard psychedelics promoted as a near cure all for mental disorders, I’m going to seperate this into two catagories, macro and micro, macro will refer to 100ug+ micro will refer up to 10ug, I’ll keep it to acid but I think this applies to all psychedelics assuming you test the drugs micro dosing I think is fairly risk free and can offer benefit, I’ve been able to produce higher quality code, enjoy the task more and focus more on 10ug of acid and it doesn’t have some of the side effects other stimulants like cocaine, modafinil, racetams etc. and microdosing shrooms I found to be very helpful for mood, though for mood the best enhancement I found was a 5 day ketamine protocol but even that only provided temporary relief - I think microdosing is pretty safe and over time i.e using a three day protocol offers all the same insights and benefits of macro dosing just over a longer period, macrodosing makes you realise a lot about yourself all at once, microdosing does it part by part over time, the benefit of microdosing is since it happens over time intergration is much easier, macrodoses give you 50 different things to change all at once which can be overwhelming, microdosing gives you a slow steady drip it’s worth mentioning I’m currently straight edge, though I might microdose shrooms again in the future but I have personal hang ups about reliance on drugs, so maybe not - The value I think they have is whatever value you take from them, it’s the same as dream analysis in my eyes, to someone who doesn’t believe in dream analysis analyzing your dreams is pointless and they’ll gain nothing from it, but if you believe in dream analysis it’s incredibly valuble now obviously I’m not talking about microdosing here but more so about post trip analysis of what you’ve seen. it has whatever meaning you draw from it, two people could have an identical experiance on a macrodose and get a completely different meaning from it. if you’re trying to improve your life, productivity or mental health I think microdosing is worth trying, so long as you research it and test your drugs if however, you want a cheap night out, to see some cool shit or just have a new experiance and you’re not worried about having a bad time for a few hours then turn on, tune in and drop out/

Why psychedelics make you much more egotistical

This part of the podcast will be much shorter and mostly filled with my opinions but to simplify it as much as I can psychedelics, especially high doses give you an experiance that for a long time you can’t even fully comprehend, something that almost no one outisde of monks can relate to unless they’ve done psychedelics, Most people will add spiritual value on top of this so not only have you experianced emotions that there aren’t even words for, but you’ve also added to it a spiritual value, you’ll obviously begin to think you’re better than other or somehow more enlightened because of this experiance but after a while it becomes painfully obvious the only people who talk about their lack of ego or enlightenment are incredibly egotistical people, just because you took drugs, saw some pretty colors and maybe experianced something outside of regular experiance doesn’t mean you’re better than anyone or have some incredible insight into life and death - it just means brain chemicals go brrrr, I’ve also found among some psychedelic users a reluctance to help others have that experiance, don’t get me wrong at raves and clubs people will pass around drugs like candy but if you’re a psychedelic user ask yourself this, if a friend asked you for LSD, would you be reluctant to give it them? if so why? lets say you do give it them and they have an incredible experiance and they continue to do it until they’ve had more “enlightening” experiances than you, now they’re seen as the spiritual, enlightened person of your friends group, do you feel happy or sad? surely you’d feel happy since a friend has found meaning, and if you’re ego-less you shouldn’t really care if you’re percieved as enlightened or not. I think the way through this barrier is to accept they’re just chemicals that offer some level of insight into who you are, not the world itself, your perception to quote the favorite opium addict of every self improvement youtuber “Our life is what our thoughts make it.” Psychedelics can’t lead to much understanding of the world itself because our worldview is always shaped by our perceptions, beliefs and biases even during full blown ego death these things will still be below the surface, shaping everything to think you’re somehow capable of seeing things without ego, preconcieved perceptions, your personal beliefs, your biases seems incredibly egotistical to me.

I originally intended to do a dive into the science of psychedelics but I’ve come to realise there are much better resources for this information than me so I’d be much more comfortable recommeneding those to you instead, to start off easy the psychedsubstance youtube channel is a very good resource for the basics, Theres two major books I would recommend first is “the psychedelic explorers guide” and second is “getting higher” the first focuses more on science the second on rituals surrounding psychedelic use, the mind foundation also has some useful resources, now I’m pretty sure it’s against terms of service to help people pirate books so I won’t be doing that, however when I want to download a book that’s become public domain I use libgen, if you struggle to find a working link searching libgen mirrors or using a vpn helps, this is a great way to download books that’ve fallen into the public domain, there are pirated books on there but I trust any listener is smart enough to not download any books they don’t legally have the rights to download.